And then there was Madras
Chennai was founded in 1639 as Fort St. George by the British East India Company. Bored with its none-too-interesting neighbours, this city of southeast India lies on the Coromandel Coast of the Bay of Bengal.
The French captured Chennai in 1746 but the good old’ boys from Britain whopped their asses and recovered it two years later.
It is rumoured that during the transition, Madras (as it was known) was humiliated. This is understandable because I don’t think lambs, which are lined up for the slaughter, ever break out in rapturous glee.
The birth, the borrowing
Today Chennai (as it is now known) is renowned for wooing IT companies and European pedophiles. The latter is not spoke about much since people assume that such intolerable acts of perversion only exists in 18th century literature or Goa.
Borrowing chivalry and education from the Brits, cuisine and cultural impetus from the French and mixing it all up with a dash of in-bred social eccentricity, Chennai thrives on being passive.
So passive that it is entirely uninterested in being 36th largest metropolitan area of the world. Chennai is unwilling to shoulder the burden of being a city, much less bear the responsibility of sheltering an estimated 7.60 million people.
Even the Bay of Bengal frowns at this city. But there is due reason.
The Marina factor
The 12-kilometre long Marina Beach forms the city’s east coast and is one of the longest beaches in the world. This would be quite cool if it wasn’t for the fact that it is also India’s largest public lavatory, sans mugs or tissue papers.
Two rivers flow through Chennai. One of them is the Adyar River. A protected estuary of this river forms the natural habitat of several species of birds and colored plastic bottles. The other is the infamous Cooum River.
Several lakes of various sizes are located in the western parts of the city. The one in Red Hills is the nicest of the lot because it looks quite non-toxic.
Terribly uninteresting
Being the capital of Tamil Nadu, Chennai houses the executive and legislative headquarters of the state government. This is of prime unimportance since such places are inaccessible to the public. Chennai has three Parliamentary constituencies – Chennai North, Chennai Central and Chennai South. This is also of little importance because I don’t feel like talking about it.
Full metal khaki shirt
Greater Chennai Police department, a division of the Tamil Nadu Police is the law enforcement agency in the city. You either have to be an idealist, an idiot, or obese to work here. But they are certainly way tougher than those Nancy boy cops in Bangalore.
The importance of being unimportant
Known as the ‘Gateway to the South’, Chennai’s culture is often touted to be quite unique. However, each city has a different culture and it would be very ridiculous to be impressed by this. Chennai, being a relatively modern city, continues to be traditional in certain ways. Again, nothing really fascinating about this since every city from New York to Timbuktu continues to be conventional in some sort of way.
Art and what not
The city is known for its classical music, Carnatic, to be specific. Apart from adhering to people who consume sambhar rice throughout the day, these shows are of no interest to anybody else. This is largely due to the fact that most of the musicians involved also consume sambhar meals on a freakishly regular basis.
Bharatanatyam, which is also the official dance of Tamil Nadu, is a fascinating display of tradition and grace. However after 10 minutes, it can bore the paint out of walls.
Chennai is also a breeding ground for Tamil art and crafts. Centres such as Krishnamurti Foundation India, C. P. Art Centre, The Foundation and Dakshina Chitra feverishly promote a dying cause. This is sad because beauty should never be neglected.
The outsiders
The majority of residents are native Tamilians and descendants of settlers from different parts of the state. The city also includes large community of Malayalees, who study, write letters to their parents in Dubai or make tea in local stalls.
The Telugu community consists of psychopaths, sociopaths and unruly business magnets.
The foreigners
The Europeans, who lurk around here and there, are either lost on their way to Bangalore or they are desperately searching for the next flight to wherever. Or innocent kids looking to make a quick buck. Those bastards should be castrated.
Up in smoke
Fair or dark, fat or thin, dyke or virgin – no woman escapes the glance, perverse or otherwise, of the average Chennai pedestrian. But certain women evoke more than just a glance. Women who smoke. The city is morbidly fascinated by rebellious women, especially the ones who casually smoke expensive cigarettes at tea stalls outside corporate offices.
Fear starts creeping in if the concerned lady does not drop her cigarette and beg for mercy. The morons in this city still cannot accept the fact that vices are not gender specific.
Here comes the Sun
And as for Sun TV. This news channel has incited riots, destroyed families, made babies, fought for world peace, paid tributes to their sponsors and worst of all, they have set off waves of paranoia whenever they needed to up the ante on television ratings. During the tsunami fiasco of 2004, Sun TV reporters made Chennai believe that apocalypse was around the corner.
When Indonesia was crumbling under one of the worst natural disasters ever, Chennai fell prey to televised paranoia. I would like to say more about this but it is making me feel sick in the stomach, so I shall stop.
And then there was Chennai
I have never seen Chennai erupt in joy. I have seen it scurry under the blanket during times of political unrest and natural calamities. I have seen it manage a grin when it rains in the afternoon. I don’t think the city is interested in too many things. And miracles are something it cannot recognize even if one of them wears a circus robe studded with the brightest of diamonds and holds a placard, which says, “I AM A MIRACLE”.
One of the many tragedies of this city lies in its distinct need to define the people living here. Too bad Chennai keeps forgetting to define itself.
