The worst films I have seen from 1988-2009
Twins: This was my introduction to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Predator and Terminator II came into my life many years later. I remember clutching my mom’s hands and gaping in horror, as Arnold gave birth to a child in one of the film’s many unfunny, painful moments. I even gazed at my mom with a tormented expression carrying unspoken words that almost seemed to say, “Mommy, say it isn’t so”. Ok maybe it wasn’t that dramatic…but nevertheless, during an ill-advised drinking binge in Goa nearly eight years ago, I puked my lungs out after watching Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito attend Lamas classes. Now that’s a true story.
The Air I Breathe / Battlefield Earth: These films are so bad and their definition of entertainment so cheesy and campy that they doesn’t deserve anything more than a really bad haiku.
Movie really bad, very bad
Like kung fu without master
Like birthdays without dad
I want to die faster
Highlander II (The Quickening):I don’t think the world was sane enough to accommodate Christopher Lambert, Dolph Lundgren and Chuck Norris during the Eighties. Maybe that’s why it introduced AIDS into our society. However, Lundgren redeemed himself a bit with Masters Of The Universe and Chuck Norris is, of course, well on his way into a virtual demi-God. And what did Lambert do? Sucked the life out of an otherwise awesome Mortal Kombat film and starred in Highlander – a horrendous film about some Scottish warlord- futuristic ninja horseshit.
Armageddon: I’d rate this film as the most nauseating American film since Mac and Me and the worst disaster film since Godzilla XIV: This time it’s PersonooooOORRRrrrrrrl. On a side note…what messed-up concoction of prescription medicines and hallucinatory substances did it take to convince Steve Buscemi to act in this film? Having seen Con Air, I suspect that lighter fluid and ethyl spirit were also involved.
Batman and Robin / Catwoman: So bad that even people with no tastes in films whatsoever hated these two for all the right reasons. Those who thought Clooney and Chris O’Donnell “were like so funny” need professional help and about 450 Megawatts of electricity coursing through their brain.
Gigli: Now I am pretty sure that Matt Damon wrote the script for Goodwill Hunting and helped Kevin Smith with Dogma while Ben Affleck rewrote the lyrics for “99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall”. This film is similar to one of those annoying friends who serve no purpose than to amuse us with their stupidity. Five minutes later, we feel like blowing their heads off (or our own) with a sawed-off shotgun.
21: Like I once said before…just like Ocean’s Eleven without Danny or the eleven others; also without Elliot Gould, Andy Garcia and Julia Roberts. No cameo appearances by Bruce Willis and Topher Grace either. You can also count out the relevant humour that made Ocean’s Eleven slightly entertaining, as well as the intelligent cut-shot direction of Soderbergh. And I’m pretty sure Kevin Spacey scores from the same dealer as Steve Buscemi. Worst friggin’ casino movie ever.
The Happening: Recent folklore has it that Al Gore has a wet dream whenever anyone recommends this film. Seriously, show me someone who likes this film and I’ll show you a three-headed baby that can whistle “Cats And The Cradle” through two of it’s nostrils.
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues: It wouldn’t have made the list if it weren’t an adaptation of a Seventies pulp noire novel written by one of the most underrated writers of all time – Tom Robbins. To further the mystery, Gus Vant Sant – one of the best Indie film directors ever – directed this atrocity. Something must have gone horribly wrong. I’d hate to suspect Buscemi again. I mean, he’s such a fantastic actor.
